Living With Depression...

Recently things have changed for me and I didn't even realise they had until I thought about it and then I realised, I am battling my depression again. For what reason I don't know and I find that the hardest thing about it all, that nothing has happened or changed for me to now feel this way, its just me. It is hard, it only happens now and again a bit like a rollarcoaster say, but I felt like the last few months I had got onto a steady path but now its back, and I don't know why. I'm back to being in a shell basically, inside I feel empty and numb and like I have no emotion or feelings, I'm just living in this shell, I still manage to put on a smiley face for everyone when inside I am falling apart, and that's why family think I am OK and don't need help or probably don't take me seriously when I do hint towards it. 


Depression and anxiety are two of the hardest things I battle with, I have for a long time and instead of hiding away about it I feel like I need to talk about it more, its not just me that must feel this way and I don't want people to feel alone, I know so well how dark and lonely you can feel and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I find I can deal with it a lot better now by being honest and talking about it, either to my partner or a friend, and even typing this is helping too. I just want you to know that if your feeling this way and reading this, its OK, it will get better and its not forever. Just take one day at a time and each day try to do something positive, maybe take a bath, wash your hair or go out for a walk. Just take little steps into getting better, I make lists now, and they help me so much with the day. 

Living with PND has been the most loneliest times of my life, Ive never felt so alone, so distant from the world, my family and friends. When my partner is on night shifts I've found myself crying in the bathroom on the floor, just wanting someone to cuddle me and tell me that it is OK. Ive not wanted to leave the house, see anyone or speak to anyone, id avoid all contact and practically push people away from me. I would sit and think how the kids deserve a better Mum, how I'm not good enough and would want someone to just come and take them away from me because I just didn't deserve them. The feelings I would feel were hard to understand, everyday was a battle from just getting out of bed, I couldn't even look after myself, how could I look after 2 little people that look up to me and still be strong, I don't know how I did it, but I did. I wrote a post a while ago about how I hadn't been looking after myself and become quite unwell, I now know I need to be strong for me and my babies.


I tried my hardest to not let them see me so down, like I said I'm good at putting on a front but sometimes I just couldn't and Isla would ask me why I was crying, and what was wrong. All I wanted to do was escape, you may have read my post back in May last year about how I went to Rhodes, it wasn't a 'holiday' it was a getaway, it was something I really needed for my mental health. Unfortunately after Archie's 1st Birthday I had a breakdown, it just got to much and I just couldn't do it anymore, and I didn't want to be here anymore and I honestly thought that nobody would care or notice if I was gone. I just broke, I hit rock bottom and so I reached for my phone, calling my Nan in tears and telling her was the hardest thing to do, but I knew I had to do something and she was the one person other than my partner who I could openly talk to. Of course she then told my Mum and between us all we decided the best thing to do was for Perry and I to go away, but for the price of a hotel in the UK we got a week away in Greece as a last minute holiday. We booked it and 3 days later we flew, it felt crazy at the time, with a wedding to pay for it felt so wrong to be going away, but if I didn't I felt like I wouldn't even be here for my wedding day. 

The break was refreshing, it didn't 'cure' me, but it certainly helped me recharge, it gave me time to think and deal with the feelings I had inside me and of course it gave Perry and I a chance to just be a couple instead of Mum and Dad. I missed my babies to death and going away without them was something I thought I would never do, but now we have done it, it is something I would consider doing again in the future, but only after we have had a family holiday that year. Since getting back on to a steady path I now feel I can deal with my depression a bit better, I can control it and can feel it rising in me, I know when I need to take a step back or ask for help. I talk about it a lot more with my partner Perry, I tell him when I'm finding things a little too hard to deal with and he knows what he needs to do to help me. 

Sometimes I do just feel like I'm just living, I'm in this body but I have no emotion, no feeling no life in me. I don't want to do anything, yet feel incredibly guilty at the same time for wasting moments. I feel like I'm stuck in a shell, like my body is in the moment but emotionally and mentally I'm not in the room or there.. does that make sense? Yet I try so hard to just put on this front all the time and I will continue to do it until I break, and when I break I really do break. This is something I am working on at the moment, to just control it better. I have down days, I have times when I can be low for a week, for longer. I have times when I feel better, but I don't feel 'cured'. I don't know if I ever will but I want to deal with it better and learn more about the feelings I feel and what can trigger them, sometimes it can be for no reason, like when I started this post a couple months back I was feeling really depressed but for no reason; and yes it has taken months to write this. I know it probably doesn't make much sense but I just want to be honest and speak openly. 

I have other posts I want to write, but for now this is the start, this is the year I finally open up and talk about this because I don't want to hide anymore, even if this helps 1 other person id be happy. I know when I was down I felt so alone and alien, to know someone else felt similar, it would of helped. Im sitting here typing this with my headphones on, listening to Coldplay and trying not to cry, I want to live this year, I want to feel excited and happy, I want to make amazing memories and I want to help myself and others who are going through the same thing. I want to break the silence on this, its time I spoke about it instead of hiding away thinking nobody cares. 

If you read this I just want to say a big Thank You, it means a lot to me and I hope that it means a lot to you, this took a long time to write, and even longer to press the publish button. 

11 comments :

  1. so glad you found the strength to finish and publish this post, reading this makes me feel a little less alone, thank-you xx

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  2. Ahh Tara, I could have written this post myself. I totally get you girl. Especially the feeling of detachment and then the guilt that follows because it feels like you're wasting moments. I'm always here if you want to talk. Post natal depression/clinical depression/any sort of mental health issues should be spoken about more openely in this day n age. I'm still working up the courage to write about it on my own blog, so kudos to you because it will definately help other people xx

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  3. Oh Tara, you are SO brave for posting this. I just want to give you a massive hug and tell you you're doing an amazing job. You know where I am if you ever want to talk xxx

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  4. Can relate to everything you have written. Well done for opening up about it. You are definitely not alone x

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  5. I promise your not the only one I can relate so so much that you have said here but I don't have the balls to open up and post it on my blog your so brave.

    Charlotte x

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  6. You're so brave to write this, and I hope it's helped you in some way to put your feelings in to words. You're definitely not alone but remember that no time with your little ones is wasted time, you don't always have to be out and about having adventures to be a good parent. You're doing an amazing job while trying to deal with something so life consuming

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  7. I am glad to hear your break helped you a little. You're doing great and sharing your story will really help others well done. xxx

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  8. I am glad you had a break and it helped you. I suffered many years ago and it is so hard. well done for sharing xx

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  9. such a brave post Hun. Well done for getting it down xxx

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  10. You're so brave for sharing this and I cannot imagine what you must be going through!

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  11. Hi guys I've recently started a blog about depression, anxiety, mental health and just thought I'd share it with you, I'd love for you to follow and give me feedback ☺️ Wishing you all well and happiness.
    www.e-counseling.com

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I read all your comments and will reply when I can :)